you know your married to an american if...

Last Sunday at church, a lady asked me how it is to be married to an American. I replied, “it’s a lot of work”. Later that day that question made me think of my husband 's peculiarity being an American married to me with totally different culture and living in my country.

Last year while Josh and I are researching about marriage visas I came across a blog entitled “You may be married to a Filipina if…” This has circulated on the internet for quite some time and I have no idea who originally wrote it, though there can be NO doubt that the fellow has a Filipina wife... I find it funny. So for good fun (I hope no one is offended by some of the broader generalizations here) I want to share this and I admit I’m guilty of some of it.

You may be married to a Filipina If... (written by an American guy who loves his Filipina wife in spite of the numerous irregularities):

* Your refrigerator is always full but you cannot find any food that you recognize

* Instead of a dowry, you got the whole bill for the wedding and honeymoon

* Most of the decorations in your house are made of wicker

* You are expected to be able to read her mind just by watching her eyebrows move up and down and by the way her lips are pointed

* All her relatives think your name is "Joe"

* The instant you are married you have 3,000 new close relatives that you can't tell apart

* Your house isn't really on fire, you've just got a very charred fish on top of the stove burner

* All the desserts are sticky and all the snacks are salty

* She eats her fruit with giant salt crystals and her fried chicken with ketchup

* Even the ketchup tastes weird...very weird

* You throw a party and everyone is fighting to chop the leathery skin off a dead pig

* All your kids have 4-5 middle names

* Your in-laws take 10 years to acknowledge your existence and to call you by something other than "that white guy"

* You try to call her up on the phone and someone tells you "for a while" and you want to know "for a while, what??"

* Your first Christmas present is some funny looking, baggy, see-thru shirt made out of leftover lace doilies (I think he’s referring to Barong)

* Your phone bills are composed mostly of international and calls that average 3 hours each

* She sweeps with something that witches usually fly around on

* The rice cooker is on 24 hours a day and uses up 50% of your electricity and food budget

* On your first trip to the Philippines, you have 18 giant boxes that weigh 1000 pounds each and your "carry on" luggage requires a small forklift truck

* The same luggage is over filled with things that cost an average of 15 cents each like old magazines and M&Ms -- the worst part is when you get off the plane, the same stuff you've been hauling around half way around the world is available in every store in the airport for half the price!

* All her pajamas look like they were worn by the Dalai Lama until they got too faded and he discarded them

* The first time she's pregnant you have to go out at 4:00 in the morning looking for some weird type of greasy sausages, green mangoes and bagoong

* You buy a new $500 freezer so she can store 200 pounds of SPAM and CORNED BEEF that was on sale

* Everything in your house was bought on sale, even if you don't need it ... that it was a "bargain" is all that matters

* She gets really excited by sucking the fat out of pig knees

* Your daughter gets her ears pierced when she's 2 minutes old but your sons are not circumcised until they turn 21

* All your postage bills instantly double

* The only "white meat" she likes is YOU. And that's if you're lucky...

* Her favorite sauce is called "patis." Americans call it turpentine

* She actually thinks that bowling and golf and billiards are real sports and are more important than baseball and football

* She prefers bistek to beef steak

* Her idea of new upholstery is rinsing the bagoong stains out of the slip covers

* She can eat and talk at the same time; in fact that's her specialty!

* Her favorite meal is leftovers, her favorite fancy dessert is Jell-O mold and for something REALLY romantic, she'll offer you a halo-halo with 2 straws

* You still don't know the difference between manong and manok

* She and the kids are always saying "Daddy made utot" and you still don't know what it means, but they think it's pretty funny

* Other than eyebrow raising and lip puckering, her next most expressive form of communication is grunts and pssst's

* She goes to the movies just for the AC

* Her homeland has more Megamalls than islands

* Before every holiday and visit, her sisters fax you a 10 page "bilins" list which says "suggestion only"

* Your kitchen table has a merry-go-round in the middle

* All the vegetables she buys at the Filipino store look like they were grown at Chernobyl

* Her friends are named Chinky, Girlie, Boy and Bimbo and NO, you are not allowed to smirk

* Her home economics course only taught shopping, eating and siesta; cooking, cleaning and sewing were not electives

* Her idea of edifying reading is gossip magazines

* All your place settings have the silverware backwards and there are no knives

* She washes her hair with a bucket and her car with a broom

* Her favorite book (she has 3 copies) is "1001 New Recipes for Pig Parts You Were Gunna Throw Out"

* You are the only family in a 200 mile radius with 2 Betamaxes, 3 televisions

* She's done her best job planning a surprise party for you if she manages not to tell you about it until a week or two before

* She "cleans" her closet by throwing all the crap into your closet

You may be married to an American if….

(My attempt to list of some peculiarity of being married to an American. Particularly to Joshua David Crank…)

• Prices of services and commodities instantly hikes when you’re with him.
• when you’re around him you get lots of attention and stares.
• when someone happens to know about your non-filipino sounding surname (even if he/she is a total stranger) expect a mini interview about how you met each other…
• you are asked a million time as to when you are going to America.
• Your relatives and friends are looking forward for you to have babies and predict that it will be super cute.
• you cook 2 pounds of meat and your husband finish it in one meal when you intend it for two meals.
• His idea of one serving of soft drinks is 1.5 litters.
• He can finish one family size pizza in one sitting.
• you speak English all day now and some days you’ll find yourself talking to any Filipino around (even strangers) just for you to speak Tagalog again.
• if you find yourself in the midst of mob of kids wanting to touch him, play with him and ask piso from him.
• When he refers to all the jeepney driver “kuya” even if he is much older than him.
• he is riding a jeepney, passengers are amused with him because he says “para”, “bayad po” in a funny way.
• you don’t use dictionary anymore because you have a walking dictionary in him.
• he eats with spoon and fork in a very amusing way.
• you live in house that requires you to wear thick clothings or else you'll freeze to death.
• Your husband spend 30 minutes to text a message that only takes 1 minute to text if you’re a Filipino.
• You can easily spot him in crowded mall.
• You hear the same 5 words of tagalog over and over and over again
• if you can talk about him behind his back with another person in front of him.
• if you are constantly mobbed by porters, vendors, and people asking for money if you go on vacation.
• if the most essential thing to bring in the beach is sunblock and still he gets burned.
• if other people will either talk to him for hours (to practice english) or they run off because they don't know the language.
• if he has at least 5 hi-tech gadgets that he can't live with out but his cellphone is the least trendy compared to the jeepney drivers.
• if he doesn't like Jollibee hamburgers, sweet spaghetti, chicken liver, and balut.